Do you love me? Do you really do?

I am reading M. Scott Peck's "Further Along the Road Less Traveled" Sigh.  I love reading books like this, but they always make me feel that I have so far to go on the road to being a complete and whole human being.  I feel like a jigsaw puzzle, with fragments lying all over the table.  There's a really beautiful picture there somewhere, but so far, only little pockets here and there have enough pieces put together to hint at the possibility of the whole.

In the book, Scott talks about a study the military did back when he was working in the army.  They studied a group of "markedly successful" people who were not only successful in their careers but loved and popular socially.  At one point in the study they were asked to write down  the three most important things in their life, in order of importance.  All of the participants (there were twelve) took a long time to do this. Scott reports that the person that turned his in first took about forty minutes, and some took more than an hour.  They weren't allowed to consult with each other, but an amazing thing happened.  They all wrote exactly the same thing for answer # one.  Myself.  M. Scott Peck says "Not 'Love.'  Not 'God.' Not 'My family.' But 'Myself' And that, I suggest, was an expression of mature self-love.  Self-love implies the care, respect, and responsibility for and the knowledge of the self.  Without loving one's self one cannot love others. But do not confuse self-love with self-centeredness.  These successful men and women were loving spouses and parents and caring supervisors."

Then Scott goes on to describe an encounter with a person he labels as being a person of the lie.  He thinks these people of the lie are essentially evil.  When he asked this person what was most important the reply was, "My self-esteem." So what's the difference?  Self-esteem is supposed to be a good thing right?  I was confused.  He goes on to say that people of the lie believe that self-esteem is so important that they will do anything to preserve their self-esteem at all costs, whereas self-love is believing ourselves to be important and valued without being attached to being constantly having to perceive ourselves as esteemed. 

The concept of constantly trying to preserve self-esteem is really foreign to me.  I can't imagine what that life would feel like.  My perspective is probably the opposite.  I struggled for years and still struggle with believing in my intrinsic value and worth, although I've come so far from the whisper of a person that I once was.

Let's go back to the answer, "MYSELF."  Putting “Myself” at the top of the list of priorities in my life. I stopped when I read that passage and asked myself two questions:  1. "Hey self, how long would you have taken to write down your answers?  Would you have gotten impatient and written down a few trite responses that you thought other people would think were good answers?  Huh, self?  Would you have sat in a room for at least forty minutes deliberating?" (What I'd really like to know is if they were given all the time in the world to answer, because they had the day off and nothing else was pressing, or if all of them had jobs waiting that they really needed to get back to.  I'd like to know if the question floored them when they read it and they sat down and mentally said, 'this'll take some consideration.' Then putting all else aside devoted themselves to the answer in spite of outside pressure.) Yes, my first question was "How Long?"  I read all the time about sitting down to really set goals, just taking time to really think about what I want from life, what direction I need to go, but then I tell myself, "Ok Sunday.  We'll do that Sunday.” Then I rush off willy-nilly into my life.  Sunday comes and goes, vroom!  I don't think I would have taken all the time I needed.  I don't think I take all the time I need.

The second question I asked myself was, "Hey Self, what would you have written at the top of the list?  I then reviewed all the possibilities and conclude that the question is no longer fair.  I know what the kids at the top of the class would've written.  I actually laughed out loud! I don't know what I would've written before, but I know what I'm writing now!  It's been two weeks now since I've read that passage on page 88 of the book.  I've told different people about it, discussed it.  I even have applied it to my own life.  There was a tough decision I had to make. Someone needed my help, a rescue of sorts.  In the past I would've immediately said, "Yes!" even if my gut were telling me, "NO!"  So I said to myself, "Self!  If you were a person who had written, "Myself" at the top of a list of The Three Most Important Things in My Life, what would you do?  I stopped.  I realized how sad, how stressed, and how overwhelming all the events in my life right now already are.  I realized that I am already helping people now, and I don't have the resources to rescue anyone.  I also realized I was angry.  I was angry because the person asking for a rescue had already asked me once before, and I had already said no.  Now this person is back again in more dire circumstances, still expecting a rescue from me, for a situation that came about as a result of a lack of planning and an expectation that everyone else would chip right in and make miracles happen!  (I stopped and asked myself why I was so angry, what’s the deal with the self-righteousness?   It's said the things that make you angry are the weaknesses you yourself possess.  I have a weakness for wanting things to happen so bad that I just blindly think miracles will happen and that somehow my lack of vision and planning will be smoothed over and made up for.  I think it comes of a victim mentality and the belief that someone, somewhere will want to rescue me if I am pitiful.  It's a really lazy way of thinking, yet very addictive and destructive. I learned it as a neglected, lonely child as a way to get attention.  It's not a skill that serves me now. I have to fight that constantly.)  Back to the dilemma, after I considered the situation as a person who would have written "Myself", I realized I needed to say no once again. It wouldn't serve the person or me to rescue him with bitterness, regret, or anger in my heart. I released the outcome, and prayed for guidance for us all. I was able to do so calmly without all the guilty voices that might have condemned me in the past. (It seems that self-love may be a calm way to live.) I saw him recently; other people had stepped forward and were helping.  I was glad.  Glad he was helped, and glad I took care of what was important first, even if just this one time.

"Myself"  Perhaps I wouldn't have written that at the top of my list before.  I am writing it now.  I am envisioning a life in which it becomes the absolute Truth. 

Love your neighbor as yourself.  Answer me this:  How much do you love yourself?

What's the price?

A very dear friend recently gave me the book Wild At Heart, by John Eldredge.  It is a book written by a man for men.  The subtitle is Discovering the Secret of a Man's Soul.  My friend recommended it to me because of difficulty I am having with a relationship I am in.

One amazing thing he says is about the temptation of Eve.  He says that Adam was present when Eve was being tempted.  That Adam could've intervened but didn't and even after he stands back and watches Eve eat the forbidden fruit, he could've chosen God over Eve but he didn't. 

This created a lot of anger and conflict in my mind.  Anger because I looked back over the history of Christianity and Islam and I see centuries of blame. How many times because of the story of The Fall from Eden have women been punished and persecuted?  How many women have been made to feel weak and inferior because they have been accused of being the reason Evil is in the world?  That women are the reason for estrangement from God?  Then I began to think.  It's just that kind of anger, the broad-stroke anger against men in general that I was feeling, that is actually the same sort of anger that the self-righteous men who believed they had been wronged by Eve and that the daughters of Eve should be punished were feeling.  The world is too diverse and complicated for blanket accusations.  Even the Bible had the Good Samaritan, who should have given in to prejudice, but didn't and even went the extra mile to save someone who by cultural norms should've been offensive to him.  Meeting each person on a case by case basis, and attempting to see and figure out all the good and all the bad in that person, loving him unconditionally as God would, putting up boundaries, fair and firm. to protect your own lovely God-given soul from the bad, opening yourself up to drink the good the other has to offer into your heart, and deciding how far into your life each person will be allowed is a HUGE amount of work.  Especially because all the while you are doing this, your own bad and good, cultural references and judgment, childhood relationship issues, and worries about bills, money, family, and self-worth are all clouding your ability to see and hear the other person.  When you think about it, stereotypes and snap-judgments save us a lot of psychological strain and stress.  They are easy, a cheap way to handle relationships with others in our world. What's the price? What is the real price of paying all that energy into a relationship, or going the cheaper judgmental route and being done with it?

Long ago, I read somewhere about the price of everything in our lives.  For everything obtained, material or spiritual, there is a price.  The accepted view in the material world is that things of great value generally cost much more than things of little value.  Things of great value usually are of a much higher quality and purity than things of little value.  Things of great value are usually long-lived, cherished and enjoyed for generations, where things that are come by cheaply don't last long, aren't cherished or given much thought, and give very short-term satisfaction. I've come to believe that it is the same for a man's inner world as well.  Quality thinking is bought by spending time on reading, thinking, and listening to others who have also spent time on thought.  Quality relationships are bought by people who spend time and energy on becoming better listeners, better acceptors of self and others, who try to really see the core of each person they come in contact with.  Deep lasting awareness of self and others is bought with a price.  The price is going beyond stereotypes, and hashing out a conscious way of thinking, knowing that pain, fear, anger, or other strong emotions will accompany that process. It's asking a Higher Power for guidance until we finally make a resolution and act upon it, knowing that, based upon our severely limited knowledge and ability, that we may be making a mistake.  It's willingness to accept responsibility for a mistake, then go through the whole painful process again to make a better choice than last time.   Sometimes I deliberate and ruminate, and decide.  Those decisions are the ones that feel the sweetest to me. They seem to expand my soul, somehow make me into something a little bigger.  Sometimes I am miserable, tired, or too busy to deliberate.  Sometimes I just want to avoid the pain, let someone else decide, give up my personal power and go with whatever popular opinion seems to be. Actually I’ve made a lot of decisions this way.   So many of those cheap decisions, in afterthought, caused a lot more anguish, embarrassment, and regret down the road than I would ever have imagined.

Ultimately I guess that perhaps it's not so important whether Eve tempted Adam, whether Adam was present or off in another part of Paradise doing cool Paradise things, or if Adam could've stopped Eve or didn't.  Who’s to blame Adam or Eve? The result is and always will be the same. That's all in the past.  We are here, we are human, we have right now, and we have all our relationships that are  right here, right now.  We are alive today and we have a life to spend, our currency today is time and energy.  However any of us came by the next 24 hours, I am certain that if you are human, it was hard-won.  Love as unconditionally as you possibly can.  See as judgment free as you possibly can.  Embrace joy and sorrow as the twins that they surely are.  Seek and search out quality as much as possible!